Not always Rosie

When living with a condition such as anxiety it can often be the case when you think so much it just sounds like white noise all around you, and when you're in a deep thinking session and someone interrupts you, you can become a fire breathing dragon that no one wants to bother with in risk of getting their head bitten off. I am definitely owning up to becoming a dragon if someone tries to talk when my head is already doing enough of that. The problem then becomes what to say, there is so much going on in your head and so many options its like being a child in a sweet shop. I've learnt my go to phrases mainly consist of swear words, hence fuck off, leave me the fuck alone and shut up with a fuck sometimes in there if i'm feeling especially nasty. The problem is I don't want to be nasty to anyone but more noise, words and conversation are the last thing I need in my head. Being that kid in the sweet shop and you don't know what to have you go with something you k...

In my darkness moments and when I am able to escape them I always find that reading I am not alone is always a benefit to my recovery of a relapse or just a dark period within my life. There are two books that have really helped my growth through mental illness and difficult life situations, Rupi Kaur Milk and Honey and Alicia cook Things I've been feeling lately. These poetry books have inspired many thoughts and feelings within me, so much so that I am now working on my own poetry book. Writing poetry for me has always been somewhat of a love and ease to me, I have enough emotions and experiences to make the paper they are written on have a heartbeat. The book will definitely open up many aspects of life and living with mental illness. I haven't put a time limit on myself but I hope by this time next year I will be on the way to a publisher of sorts. I'm using the darkest times in my life to make something amazing, hopefully ! I also hope that it will bring some peace...

This year has been a very tragic and eventful year and many things determined this year are going to change the world as us millennials know it. Brexit and all the terror attacks that have been committed by a small minority of extremists. However the issue has arisen that when an attack is committed by a white individual they have a mental health issues but any other race is just known as an attack. For someone with mental health I can understand that some with mental health conditions can lead to a small percentage of of people committing crimes against others because they have not received the right help. The media are very quick to judge and blame the individual and yes they should they did the crime but there should be a deeper look into the system itself. It is failing most of society because there are not enough people to work within the mental health system due to a lack of funding and there is still a detrimental ignorance towards mental health and this knowledge is needed to...

Today is my dads birthday, he would have been 75 Yeah for a dad that's old considering I'm only 22. For you that don't know my dad passed away in my arms at 15, that experience has changed many of my views and the way I see people and experiences. I also believe it has been a large contributing factor to my depression, I guess I found out at a young age that nothing will ever be in your life forever and the things that mean the most can be taken away from you. No matter who you are or how good or bad you've been. I was always a daddy's girl even though some people thought I shouldn't have been due to the mistakes that he made. He was troubled and he had a lot of pain but as a stereotypical man he never spoke about it and for him the bottle was the only way to drown out all the thoughts and in the end it drowned out him. I find it difficult on his birthday, I want to celebrate the man, friend and dad I knew but he isn't here and he isn't alive. Birthd...

So I'm not sure if you're aware but the last 3/4 months iv'e been struggling with illness, this includes extreme pain, sickness, fatigue and near unbearable headaches and a million other things that are unpleasant. There have been many trips to the doctors and hospital for bloods and tests. The doctor is pretty sure I have a condition called ME also known as chronic fatigue syndrome. It affects your day to day life and for the last 4 months or so I haven't really lived just existed. Two nights ago it got really bad, I had horrific pain in my lower back and couldn't feel my legs or feet. I had to get an ambulance and a lot of drugs to be able to move, it was a horrendous ordeal I have never screamed in pain until then. I've been told my immune system is compromised due to everything else and I have a viral infection that is making my body feel like my muscles and bones are breaking and due to spasm I could also have a trapped nerve from this. Walking is hard an...

So for a while I have been MIA. Being sick had got to me and alongside missing my meds for a few days and the high after my birthday I felt pretty low and isolated. During these periods doing things I love are increasingly hard, like blogging, drawing and reading. I had lost the energy to do anything. The only way I build myself up is creating change making plans and structure in my life, I have changed my hair colour, made a deal to myself that every evening I am going to walk the dog, get fresh air and breathe and give myself some time. Discovering new upbeat songs also re instills the creative in me which I love so dearly. Being sick for quite a while now has had an effect on me and simultaneously I have found and lost myself within it. I have found myself to be stronger than I ever give myself credit for, but at the same time having days that blend into one another made me feel ghost like. Its very cliche to say but more than anything before this year is over I want to find mysel...

Anxiety has the skill set of making you feel as if that little something (that would just annoy someone for a second and be over) is the world crumbling around you.  Overthinking is the life you have with anxiety, it's not like a switch it doesn't turn off, it impacts your sleeping your day to day tasks and socialising. I cannot count how many events I have missed from the constant turmoil of questions that face me, who will be there, what if i don't know someone, what if I make a fool of myself, what if I want to go, how do I leave without being rude or causing a scene. I could carry on writing all these questions that face me but that would be more boring than watching paint dry, although depends on the colour paint (just kidding)  The problem I find with anxiety are the small insignificant things to everyone else who doesn't suffer but to me these are problematic and can cause me to overthink to the point I am physically sick, physically in pain and punish mys...

Anxiety is an illness I have had from a very young age which I covered until I needed to seek help alongside my depression. New situations are always very difficult to deal with especially if it involves a number of people you don't know, having to wait on others to leave and if it is going to be a long event. Here are my top tips for dealing with these events. They help me but obviously people use different methods but give them a try and let me know how you get on ! For the first half hour to an hour (or however long till you've calmed those big anxiety waves) stay with someone you know and ask them if they know anyone and aid you with meeting a few new people to help you get the ball rolling. You're all there for the same reason so that gives you a start to the conversation. Meeting new people is always easier with someone you know by your side.  Talk about something you love or know, chances are the person may have similar interests and talking about something you ...

For the last month and a bit I have had really bad physical health. I have had to have injections, blood tests, hospital trips and visiting the doctor twice a week. Alongside this however I encountered the dreaded meds chat. Being physically ill has a toll on your mental health and I had a slight breakdown almost. I could hear things that were not there and I felt like I was being watched I spent hours crying and rocking back and forth. I was lucky that I have a partner that supported me and calmed me down till it was all over, others aren't as lucky. I have been alone in such dark times and it takes more strength than describable to overcome that fatal darkness.  I have learnt that honesty is a key to becoming better and getting the right medication and support. In consequence of this my dosage of depression, anxiety and mood stabilisers were increased. Being sick both mentally and physically puts my pill count to 9 a day. This sometimes does get to me i'm 21 and I feel lik...

Dear M, When I am my most isolated I know that you have a rhythm that will match the pace of my heartbeat, fast when my anxiety is gripping me from within, or slow when my heart wants to give up as much as my mind wants to. I know my ears probably detest you when all I want is to listen to you over and over again louder than what any sane person would recommend. The truth is when you're so loud it's because I need you closer than you could ever be. I need to feel like the song was written for me, about me, to me the list is endless but I need it to revolve around me. You are the sun I owe my existence to you, without you I could not survive but if I come to close, get too deep within you I will burn but it would only be the most precious way to fall or rise, whatever way you want to look at this. I close my eyes and make worlds that children can only dream and draw about. But you're deadly you could make me fly or make me drown with one simple melody. You bring my pai...

Buses suck right? smelly people, bad driving and rude drivers but there is something relaxing about staring out a window with your favourite music watching the world move right pass you. It can make you feel like you're just existing another grain of sand on the beach. But all that is far too negative and when negativity comes in abundance you have to try your best to equal out the score for positivity. Its like a football game in your head, but there is no ball being kicked just your self esteem ! I like to involve myself with people who I see on my journey, no not talking to them, that is far too social for my liking. I give them names, jobs, a life story you name I'll give it to them, this definitely helps when stuck in traffic or at lights that could give statues a run for their money. It's escapism, you feel like a writer they can be anything you can mold them and in a way mold yourself to be kind to them give them nice attributes and stories, however a bad day can...

They say that chocolate releases serotonin (the happy stuff) and I am very inclined to agree. I'm sitting here right now with a bowl of ice cream, even though its wetter outside than Hugh Hefner and its colder than a nuns vagina. It feels good eating things that taste good. I always find in a hard time eating stuff I enjoy makes it better. Although often in these times I don't want to eat or it's hard, making myself have something I usually enjoy creates a break of sunlight in the darkness. Even though this may seem weird there is an enjoyment of being snuggled up in my favourite baggy jumper all warm eating cold ice cream it reminds me of the great cosy nights under a blanket and the hot summer days where you holla down the ice cream van like some ice cream addict and then have the heartbreak when a 99 isn't 99p anymore and its more like £3. When lets be honest, in ASDA (other supermarkets are available) you could get a whole tub for that price, the good shit anyways...

Well I wish there was an interesting story that I could tell you, but it is just the same 'tragic' story that you hear on X factor or BGT. I lost a lot of people on my journey to become an adult one of them being my father. I lost friends both through death and due to, well I guess being caught in a web of despair and being a weird emo chick with eyeliner thicker than a chicken thigh, I mean I don't know the guidelines in the manual of how to cope with death when you're 15 but pretty sure I didn't follow any of them, everyone loves a rebel right?! School was tough, being poor didn't help kids can be cruel about what you do and don't have. Oh and being clever apparently is something to be mocked, I know lets enjoy that now when I'm the one with the degree. Even though yet I haven't achieved anything with it, yet, standard graduate crisis. An turbulent relationship with my mother then gift wrapped my teen years for me with many arguments, which did...