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That little grey cloud

So for a while I have been MIA. Being sick had got to me and alongside missing my meds for a few days and the high after my birthday I felt pretty low and isolated. During these periods doing things I love are increasingly hard, like blogging, drawing and reading. I had lost the energy to do anything. The only way I build myself up is creating change making plans and structure in my life, I have changed my hair colour, made a deal to myself that every evening I am going to walk the dog, get fresh air and breathe and give myself some time. Discovering new upbeat songs also re instills the creative in me which I love so dearly.

Being sick for quite a while now has had an effect on me and simultaneously I have found and lost myself within it. I have found myself to be stronger than I ever give myself credit for, but at the same time having days that blend into one another made me feel ghost like. Its very cliche to say but more than anything before this year is over I want to find myself. I don't need to go travelling for that however. I just need to re-tune myself. Witness the beauty outside these four walls. Make a conscience effort to be the best version of me I can be and help others selflessly. I need to remove toxicity from my life and start to look after my body, eating right and keeping fit instead of letting my body waste away in bed, although bed is very comfy.

The trouble I find most is that I will stay motivated for a period of time and then this just slowly disintegrates until I am back where I started. Depression is like that one grey cloud that is always in the distance and you know with the smallest change of wind it can be over your head in minutes. I guess with being sick and still being under investigation with whats going on it definitely impacts you. I have never like labels, unless its a sale label then count me in, but to finally have a name for what is going on with my body would bring so much relief and would allow me to run from that grey cloud, while right now all I can do is walk.

I'm going to start writing, I have always had a passion for poetry and language maybe the words will translate from my hand to the paper and make more sense of my feelings than I can

Rosie x

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