Not always Rosie

When living with a condition such as anxiety it can often be the case when you think so much it just sounds like white noise all around you, and when you're in a deep thinking session and someone interrupts you, you can become a fire breathing dragon that no one wants to bother with in risk of getting their head bitten off. I am definitely owning up to becoming a dragon if someone tries to talk when my head is already doing enough of that. The problem then becomes what to say, there is so much going on in your head and so many options its like being a child in a sweet shop. I've learnt my go to phrases mainly consist of swear words, hence fuck off, leave me the fuck alone and shut up with a fuck sometimes in there if i'm feeling especially nasty. The problem is I don't want to be nasty to anyone but more noise, words and conversation are the last thing I need in my head. Being that kid in the sweet shop and you don't know what to have you go with something you k...

In my darkness moments and when I am able to escape them I always find that reading I am not alone is always a benefit to my recovery of a relapse or just a dark period within my life. There are two books that have really helped my growth through mental illness and difficult life situations, Rupi Kaur Milk and Honey and Alicia cook Things I've been feeling lately. These poetry books have inspired many thoughts and feelings within me, so much so that I am now working on my own poetry book. Writing poetry for me has always been somewhat of a love and ease to me, I have enough emotions and experiences to make the paper they are written on have a heartbeat. The book will definitely open up many aspects of life and living with mental illness. I haven't put a time limit on myself but I hope by this time next year I will be on the way to a publisher of sorts. I'm using the darkest times in my life to make something amazing, hopefully ! I also hope that it will bring some peace...

This year has been a very tragic and eventful year and many things determined this year are going to change the world as us millennials know it. Brexit and all the terror attacks that have been committed by a small minority of extremists. However the issue has arisen that when an attack is committed by a white individual they have a mental health issues but any other race is just known as an attack. For someone with mental health I can understand that some with mental health conditions can lead to a small percentage of of people committing crimes against others because they have not received the right help. The media are very quick to judge and blame the individual and yes they should they did the crime but there should be a deeper look into the system itself. It is failing most of society because there are not enough people to work within the mental health system due to a lack of funding and there is still a detrimental ignorance towards mental health and this knowledge is needed to...

Today is my dads birthday, he would have been 75 Yeah for a dad that's old considering I'm only 22. For you that don't know my dad passed away in my arms at 15, that experience has changed many of my views and the way I see people and experiences. I also believe it has been a large contributing factor to my depression, I guess I found out at a young age that nothing will ever be in your life forever and the things that mean the most can be taken away from you. No matter who you are or how good or bad you've been. I was always a daddy's girl even though some people thought I shouldn't have been due to the mistakes that he made. He was troubled and he had a lot of pain but as a stereotypical man he never spoke about it and for him the bottle was the only way to drown out all the thoughts and in the end it drowned out him. I find it difficult on his birthday, I want to celebrate the man, friend and dad I knew but he isn't here and he isn't alive. Birthd...

So I'm not sure if you're aware but the last 3/4 months iv'e been struggling with illness, this includes extreme pain, sickness, fatigue and near unbearable headaches and a million other things that are unpleasant. There have been many trips to the doctors and hospital for bloods and tests. The doctor is pretty sure I have a condition called ME also known as chronic fatigue syndrome. It affects your day to day life and for the last 4 months or so I haven't really lived just existed. Two nights ago it got really bad, I had horrific pain in my lower back and couldn't feel my legs or feet. I had to get an ambulance and a lot of drugs to be able to move, it was a horrendous ordeal I have never screamed in pain until then. I've been told my immune system is compromised due to everything else and I have a viral infection that is making my body feel like my muscles and bones are breaking and due to spasm I could also have a trapped nerve from this. Walking is hard an...

So for a while I have been MIA. Being sick had got to me and alongside missing my meds for a few days and the high after my birthday I felt pretty low and isolated. During these periods doing things I love are increasingly hard, like blogging, drawing and reading. I had lost the energy to do anything. The only way I build myself up is creating change making plans and structure in my life, I have changed my hair colour, made a deal to myself that every evening I am going to walk the dog, get fresh air and breathe and give myself some time. Discovering new upbeat songs also re instills the creative in me which I love so dearly. Being sick for quite a while now has had an effect on me and simultaneously I have found and lost myself within it. I have found myself to be stronger than I ever give myself credit for, but at the same time having days that blend into one another made me feel ghost like. Its very cliche to say but more than anything before this year is over I want to find mysel...