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All the small things, aren't so small

Anxiety has the skill set of making you feel as if that little something (that would just annoy someone for a second and be over) is the world crumbling around you. 

Overthinking is the life you have with anxiety, it's not like a switch it doesn't turn off, it impacts your sleeping your day to day tasks and socialising. I cannot count how many events I have missed from the constant turmoil of questions that face me, who will be there, what if i don't know someone, what if I make a fool of myself, what if I want to go, how do I leave without being rude or causing a scene. I could carry on writing all these questions that face me but that would be more boring than watching paint dry, although depends on the colour paint (just kidding) 

The problem I find with anxiety are the small insignificant things to everyone else who doesn't suffer but to me these are problematic and can cause me to overthink to the point I am physically sick, physically in pain and punish myself through not sleeping or eating and that just causes a whole other level of issues that will just spiral into something that just leaves you existing. 

I can punish myself over anything and most of these have significant impact on my relationships with friends, family and my partner. I can worry so much that my eyes just glaze over and I frankly look like I don't give a shit but its the complete opposite. 

It sounds cliche but if you're not honest and don't talk then it is unbearable and if you suffer with any other mental illnesses alongside anxiety like I do it will become the darkest place you have ever been. I have lost count of how many people I have known, tried to help and lost along the way to suicide because they thought talking about all these things made them weak and less of a person. THAT IS ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT. 

We have to battle with ourselves everyday and still manage to hold down jobs, go through education have friends and relationships, even if they are few and in between yo're still doing it. So just have a think about all the other things you could achieve with the right help. None of this is a life sentence you can get better, people can come into your life or your situations change and you realise that was all you needed. Things may not completely disappear but they can get significantly better and that's what you have to remember. 

I have been sick for nearly 9 years but I can honestly say that I am in a far better place than I was 4 years ago even 4 months ago everyday is progress. Even if you wake up breathe eat shower and sleep that is okay we all have bad days, even people who don't have mental illnesses have bad days and they are not ashamed to admit it and they don't need to validate themselves so you shouldn't feel like you have to either. 

just remember 

all the small things 

Rosie X






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