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I don't know what I would do without you

Dear M,

When I am my most isolated I know that you have a rhythm that will match the pace of my heartbeat, fast when my anxiety is gripping me from within, or slow when my heart wants to give up as much as my mind wants to.

I know my ears probably detest you when all I want is to listen to you over and over again louder than what any sane person would recommend. The truth is when you're so loud it's because I need you closer than you could ever be. I need to feel like the song was written for me, about me, to me the list is endless but I need it to revolve around me. You are the sun I owe my existence to you, without you I could not survive but if I come to close, get too deep within you I will burn but it would only be the most precious way to fall or rise, whatever way you want to look at this.

I close my eyes and make worlds that children can only dream and draw about. But you're deadly you could make me fly or make me drown with one simple melody. You bring my pain to the surface and let me have one more glimmer of sunshine before you guide me into the darkest parts of the world for the rest of eternity. Contradicting this you make me feel euphoric this too being dangerous. I find ways to create these feelings you give me, some being legal some not, both leave a trail of devastation leaving me not knowing who I am and if I am still alive or if this is some external punishment for all the bad things I have done. I don't want to blame my messy brain but I can't take all the credit for my catastrophic disasters.

Looking at parts in this chorus I can definitely pinpoint when I fell and how I rose because of you. It wasn't one song, nor one melody or genre but just the sounds of pure relief that lightened the burden of the noises in my brain. This may seem a discombobulated letter and I can only apologise but I have never been one to follow a chronological narrative in anything. I mean my life is a mess it's not following the manual.

I want to say thankyou M, Without you I wouldn't be writing this but then again maybe I saved myself because it's called a heartbeat for a reason. I guess we all make our own music and then again an artists worst own enemy is themselves, and now I know why.

Thankyou

Rosie X


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